The Query Beast & the Pitiless Synopsis

I grabbed a copy of Writer’s Market in diligent anticipation of something wonderful happening to my manuscript. I had the impression WM was more of an instruction manual for building a catapult that would launch my book into some bookmaker’s factory, where it would serendipitously deposit it for cloning, duplicating hardbound editions of my lovely child of script to reach millions of consumers, one delicious copy at a time. But no, Writer’s Market had the audacity to be realistic and list all these weird, freakish tasks for me to do. I feel like I’m applying for knighthood here or embarking, like Jason, on the maiden voyage to return with the Golden Contract, taking on the Query, the Summary and the formidable Synopsis in just the first leg of the quest.

Before now I’d only heard about the Synopsis, the Greek monster found near the churning Charybdis of Literary Works that Failed. Her ghastly, steely teeth take your beautiful creation and smash it down to 5-ish pages; her razor-sharp scales torture and twist it into 3 helpless sheets to the wind; and her five hundred lashing tails chop and mutilate it into 1 to 1 ½ pages of ground up chicken feed. She knows no mercy. She returns to finish the job, leaving you with a huddled, whimpering paragraph. That’s the Synopsis. Don’t be confused by her sister, Summary, who lures you in with her wily vices, telling you, “This is just a teaser.”

Yeah, I’m still trying to write a one-paragraph synopsis of my story. I return again and again and can’t seem to conquer it. Of course, I will be diplomatic when sending it to the literary agent. My query letter will say something like, “Oh, that was so much fun! You’re fabulous for wanting me to send you this synopsis! Can I grovel at your feet to read my manuscript? Thanks!”

And yes, you read correctly; the singular of ‘agents’ is ‘agent.’ I have only mustered the courage to send a query to one agent. I might as well drown in the aftermath of the Synopsis.

Jane & Michael Had It Figured Out

As the quintessential, bury-me-in-my-sweats and “Do I have to leave my house for my funeral?” scribbler, I knew this day would come. I wrote something and want to do something with it. Preferably publish it, not burn it. Am I deluding myself? The probability of finding that publisher who will take a chance on my story is… not high. Not that I’m a pessimist. I’m a realist who believes in the inevitability of Murphy’s Law. If you don’t know the difference between these two disparate positions, then you’re not in denial like so many of us.

It’s rather intimidating to realize that completing a novel is only the beginning. I can’t just go outside and yell, “Hey! I’ve finished my book! Where’s my contract?” I mean, I could, but what good would that do besides publicly proving how crazy I am? No ad in the Times is going to culminate in a line of publishers at my door the next day, like all the nannies that come to interview at Jane and Michael’s house in Mary Poppins.

But… if I were to write such an ad, I would write this to the tune of the Nanny Song.

Wanted: a publisher for my fantastic book

Here, I send this choice submission
With a cheery inquisition.
Write me checks; add perks.
Want more? That works.

Let’s talk covers, one that’s witty,
Very sleek and fairly pretty.
Make a million copies; you treat.
Royalties? Let’s meet.

I’ll never be cross or cruel,
When you want to
Publicize my book.
I’ll love you as an author oughta,
If you try to get a movie offer.

If you won’t scold and rudely irritate,
I can write the sequel by the due date.
I won’t make a spectacle
Of you or me;
I’ll even try to follow
Your itinerary.

Hurry! Sign me!
Many thanks
Sincerely,

A delighted Rilla Z

Yeah, naiveté just oozes from this post. How long will this idealistic bubble last? I don’t know, but it all started with the challenge of writing – and completing – a novel.

Win.

If you’re in your Pursuit-Of-A-Dream bubble right now, don’t forget to tally the wins along the way.