Me, at Odds with…Me

For three weeks I haven’t looked at my manuscript. It wasn’t a planned hiatus. That’s a sign that something is definitely out of kilter. My racing thoughts are back, I’m not sleeping, and my poor, poor Realm has had to listen to me blubber about all the insane, second-guess worries that pop into my head and grow to incredible proportions. It’s been a gradual discovery over the past three weeks, as I’ve weaned off what I’ve been on for seven months. Controlling what feels like my brain on hives isn’t purely a physical exercise. I exhaust my body and my mood by trying to ‘lift’ the tendency of my racing thoughts, redirect them, step back from them and see I’ve lost focus, etc. all day and late into the night. It’s not productive. There may come a time when I don’t have the option, but right now I have the means of slowing down the misfires in my head. I’m going to take it.

I’m not going to lie: This is a very disappointing discovery. I want to do this without medication. I want to treat it with exercise and healthy eating and meditation, with prayer (and lots of it!) and patience and mature reasoning. I don’t drink or smoke. I have a super supportive family. I’ve been doing everything I know to do.

Heart surgery at the Clinical Center
Heart surgery at the Clinical Center (Photo credit: National Institutes of Health Library)

It’s a clinical issue, like a stone-filled gall bladder or hearing loss. I’ve got to accept that. I’ve got to accept the medicine, as well, because it’s clear God doesn’t work through miracles today. He works through the natural laws He designed and upholds. He works through physicians and nurses. He chooses a much more complex path to provide aids and solutions that make illnesses, diseases, and disorders manageable in our world of entropy. Well, maybe it’s complex to me. Not for Him.

I accept surgery. I accept hearing aids. I’m having a hard time accepting this because it’s something I can’t explain. When did it start? When did it become too much to handle? Could it go away? Is it the result of something in the food I eat? The water I drink? Hey, wait! What about the antiperspirant I use or the shampoo I wash my hair with? Can’t I find a natural remedy for it, take an herbal supplement or drink some kind of medicinal tea? I’ve asked all of these questions and so many more, researched my options, gradually made changes, and seen no improvements. Yet, the medicine works. I don’t like that I’m reliant on a pill, but it works.

Pill tablet
Pill tablet (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So, now you know where I am right now, and why you’ve heard nothing from me in the comments of your posts lately. I’m frustrated with myself, and I might take that out on you unintentionally. So I don’t comment. I ask for your patience while I sort this out. And you know I can use encouragement, if you have any you can give.

Author: Rilla Z

I'm a scribbler. I'm genuine. My topics of interest are: this world, the worlds inside my head, and the world to come. Oh, and cups of tea. Yes, I write about my cups of tea.

14 thoughts on “Me, at Odds with…Me”

  1. I’m very sorry to hear about this, Rilla, but I’m sure it will soon be gone and you’ll be back to normal. Great news is that you’ve found something that works!
    As for the visits, comments etc you really don’t need to apologize! Take care of yourself, smile and be well!


  2. Rilla, for what it’s worth, I agree with Mom O. 🙂 God has provided a solution for you that is not sinful. Sometimes, as with surgery, we have to rely on “less natural” cures that help us. Just know that God will be with you and prayers are being said for you.

    Hugs to you.


    1. Keri, I’m so blessed that you understand where I’m coming from. Not about the anxiety, but about my latent misconceptions about what trust in God really means. You’ve encouraged me more than you know. Thanks, dearest.


  3. Our modern world puts stresses and strains on our bodies and brains that our ancestors never knew. Even if we no longer have to worry about wolves or lions attacking us, our culture keeps our stress hormones on overdrive—worries about jobs, bills, providing for families in difficult economic times, and so much more. And I suspect all the artificial ingredients in our foods and the pollutants in the air, water, and earth also cause havoc.

    What you’re feeling is shared by many others. And since we’re not likely to change the world, I think it’s okay to accept something beneficial from the medical world.

    Have you heard the joke about the man surrounded by rising floodwaters who turns down the offers of help from a neighbor in a row boat, a policeman in a motor boat, and the National Guard in a helicopter, always saying, “God will save me”? And, of course, he drowns, and confronts God asking, “Why didn’t you save me?” Then God replies, “I sent the rowboat, motorboat, and helicopter. What more did you want?”

    A joke, yes. But there’s a lot of wisdom in it!


    1. Oh, that story is so fitting! I’m a stubborn woman; I want to be rescued, and I want to be rescued my way. Only I didn’t give my life to God in order to do things my way. :/ I’m humbled by your wise insight. Thank you, JM.


  4. Sometimes, Rilla, God values plain and simple faith above all else. Now and then, He seems to say, “Have faith that I will lead you to the right answer.” Surgery/medicine can be part of His right answer for us. Praying God gives you peace amidst the storm of your emotions. So many of we “creative types” have been walking this road, too. I will praise God for His answer to your prayers, for surely He will answer in the best way. There are lessons to be learned amid the tunnels, before we get to that Light at the end. Hugs to you, Rilla!


    1. Reading this made me tear up, Robin. I appreciate your prayers and the beautiful way you’ve encouraged me to lean on my Heavenly Father. “There are lessons to be learned amid the tunnels, before we get to that Light at the end.” I loved this analogy! It does feel like being in a dark tunnel at times, but I won’t forget the hope that is waiting at the end. Thank you! Thank you!


  5. Rilla: Don’t really know what’s going on, but I’ve always been a believer in this fact – if the medication helps, take it. You are a better person because you went for help. Prayer is our first defense. You hear people say, “Well, there is nothing else to do but pray.” Actually, that is so backward – prayer first and only. Also remember, God never puts on us any more than we can handle. And, please know, there are many of God’s people suffering-being persecuted at the moment. Like me, I have to be reminded of this fact – often. When you’re going through it always feels like it’s just you. And to reiterate, if the medication works, take it. I will keep you in my prayers.


    1. Thanks so much, Veronica! Yes, it does feel like I’m alone in this at times. It’s easy to lose perspective, but I’m trying to get focused again. I’m doing much better.


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