Me, at Odds with…Me

For three weeks I haven’t looked at my manuscript. It wasn’t a planned hiatus. That’s a sign that something is definitely out of kilter. My racing thoughts are back, I’m not sleeping, and my poor, poor Realm has had to listen to me blubber about all the insane, second-guess worries that pop into my head and grow to incredible proportions. It’s been a gradual discovery over the past three weeks, as I’ve weaned off what I’ve been on for seven months. Controlling what feels like my brain on hives isn’t purely a physical exercise. I exhaust my body and my mood by trying to ‘lift’ the tendency of my racing thoughts, redirect them, step back from them and see I’ve lost focus, etc. all day and late into the night. It’s not productive. There may come a time when I don’t have the option, but right now I have the means of slowing down the misfires in my head. I’m going to take it.

I’m not going to lie: This is a very disappointing discovery. I want to do this without medication. I want to treat it with exercise and healthy eating and meditation, with prayer (and lots of it!) and patience and mature reasoning. I don’t drink or smoke. I have a super supportive family. I’ve been doing everything I know to do.

Heart surgery at the Clinical Center
Heart surgery at the Clinical Center (Photo credit: National Institutes of Health Library)

It’s a clinical issue, like a stone-filled gall bladder or hearing loss. I’ve got to accept that. I’ve got to accept the medicine, as well, because it’s clear God doesn’t work through miracles today. He works through the natural laws He designed and upholds. He works through physicians and nurses. He chooses a much more complex path to provide aids and solutions that make illnesses, diseases, and disorders manageable in our world of entropy. Well, maybe it’s complex to me. Not for Him.

I accept surgery. I accept hearing aids. I’m having a hard time accepting this because it’s something I can’t explain. When did it start? When did it become too much to handle? Could it go away? Is it the result of something in the food I eat? The water I drink? Hey, wait! What about the antiperspirant I use or the shampoo I wash my hair with? Can’t I find a natural remedy for it, take an herbal supplement or drink some kind of medicinal tea? I’ve asked all of these questions and so many more, researched my options, gradually made changes, and seen no improvements. Yet, the medicine works. I don’t like that I’m reliant on a pill, but it works.

Pill tablet
Pill tablet (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So, now you know where I am right now, and why you’ve heard nothing from me in the comments of your posts lately. I’m frustrated with myself, and I might take that out on you unintentionally. So I don’t comment. I ask for your patience while I sort this out. And you know I can use encouragement, if you have any you can give.